What Really Matters
by abbyandatillasmom
Summary: Set during S6 Ep "Push." How do Callie and Arizona deal with Arizona's admission that she doesn't want kids? The phrase "Don't know what you got til it's gone" just might come into play.


Title: What Really Matters  
Author: Karen/Lady Esmeralda  
Rating: PG-13  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything recognizable  
Summary: This is set during Push and after. Just my take on how things could go. So far, no other spoilers. If that changes, I'll note it. How will Callie and Arizona deal with Arizona's bombshell?

Thanks also to everyone who gave me ideas and beta read this. June, Patty, Heather, I hope I didn't forget anyone.

***

"I'm in it for all but the kids," Arizona spoke empathetically.

"What?" Callie felt like she'd been slapped. A few minutes ago, they'd been talking about being the perfect couple and now the rug had been yanked out from under her.

"Ewww no kids and by no I mean yiiiiikes no to kids." She nodded her head definitively.  
"I made my mind up a long time ago."

"You're joking right? I mean you're in pediatrics. You love the kids and you're great with them." Callie couldn't seem to wrap her head around her girlfriend's words. "I've watched you and fantasized about what it would be like when we had our own."

"Yeah, exactly. They're not mine, so it's easier to have fun with them, and do my best to make them better. I'm in pediatrics and I see things every day," the peds surgeon explained. "Horrible things. Kids get sick or hurt and their parents can do nothing to stop it. They fight about how it happened or who should have been watching the kids. Their lives go from happy to heartbroken and ruined in the blink of an eye. You can't keep kids in a bubble forever. They have to be allowed to be who they are. I couldn't stand it if something happened to my child. I don't want them. It's too much responsibility and pain."

Callie stared at her girlfriend open mouthed for a good minute before finding her voice. "I know we haven't been dating that long, but when were you planning to bring this up?" She struggled to keep her temper, deciding to get angry rather than upset.

"We've both been so busy, and the topic hadn't come up yet, Callie. It's not like I intentionally kept it from you."

"So that makes it better, Arizona?" The dark haired girl glared and began pacing and ranting in Spanish. ¿Por qué hace esta subsistencia que me sucede? Porqué no pueda yo tiene una buena relación para más de largo que algunos meses? This was such a good day. I finally figured the cartilage out, we were spending time together. I should have known it was too good to last. I thought we were serious. Fuck"

"I only understood half of what you just said," the blonde tried to joke but fell flat. "Care to help me out here? I love you and yes, it was a good day. I love spending time with you. I **am** serious about **you**, I just can't deal with being a parent."

"I can't talk to you right now." Callie struggled to keep her tone even. "Don't you **dare** tell me you love me. I have no idea how to deal with this. I've wanted to be a mother for a long time and I think we'd be great parents together. I really really want kids. Sure, being a parent is not always perfect or easy, but neither is life."

"Well, I'm sorry," Arizona sounded anything but as she struggled not to cry or show her frustration. "I really **don't** want kids. You treat all ages, not just kids. Come talk to me after you spend years of medical school and your entire career working on kids that get sick. Really sick. Kids that **die** and **you** could maybe have done something to prevent it. See how you feel then. Why bring someone into the world only to inflict pain and suffering on them for no good reason before they leave. It's not fair, Calliope. You've seen how I get when I lose a patient. I wouldn't want to bring my bad attitude home and upset a child either."

"I fucking hate when you call me that when we're fighting," the younger woman seemed to be struggling not to cry. "Just go. You've made up your mind and there's nothing I can say to change it I see. I guess we don't really have anything more to say to each other and I need to finish this."

The blonde turned to leave but turned back to her girlfriend. "This is not the right place to have this conversation. I'm sorry. I guess maybe I could have told you in a different way. I just thought it was time that you knew." She reached out a hand to stroke her girlfriend's hair.

"Don't!" The dark haired woman's voice was sharp. "You can't just say something like that and then touch me like nothing's wrong!"

"I'm trying to make it better," Arizona began nervously. "I don't know how though. I didn't want to have the conversation too early. I wasn't sure when the right time was. It's not something you can just bring up at the spur of the moment. I'm sorry for hurting you, Callie, but I **can't** apologize for the way that I feel." The younger woman's head remained bent over her work. "There is more to say. I don't want to throw us away. Call me, or come by when you're done and we can talk more. I'll be at my place so we don't have to worry about any interruptions."

"Don't hold your breath waiting," Callie scoffed as she turned back to her project. "You've obviously said all you had to say. Your mind's made up. I guess I should just get used to the fact that I don't deserve happiness."

"Callie-"

"Just go," the orthopedist cut her off.

Arizona watched her for almost a minute before sighing heavily and walking out the door. She knew better than to even attempt to reason with the younger woman when she got this way.

Callie spent another hour messing with the cartilage, unable to recreate her previous success before she finally gave up. _Figures that everything in my life would fall apart at the same time. I better not get paged tonight. I want nothing more than to go home and get wasted. We're both off tomorrow and __**were**__ going to spend it together. It's been way too long since we've both been off on the same day. Ugh, Guess that doesn't matter now. I have nothing more to say to her so I hope she's not waiting up._ She quickly cleaned everything up, tossing most of it into the trash before changing into her street clothes. Before leaving the hospital, she made a quick stop to talk to the unit secretary on the ortho floor. Luckily, there were two other surgeons available that night, so she told the woman she wasn't feeling well. There was something going around, but she was sure a good night's sleep would help.

The secretary agreed, saying she thought Callie had been looking a little tired lately and shouldn't push herself so hard. She promised not to disturb the surgeon for any reason and admonished her to go straight home and go to bed.

_Not a problem. The bottle and I are going to do exactly that,_ Callie thought to herself, looking forward to the oblivion. "Thanks, I plan to," she replied, pasting a fake smile on her face. She trudged out to her car, fighting back tears as she walked.

**

As soon as she was clear of the hospital, the tears became harder to hold back. She was very glad that she'd spent so much time there the last several years. Her vision became blurry very quickly but she knew she could still find her way to her car. _George, Erica and now Arizona. Three strikes is more than enough for me. I am so done putting myself out there. I can't deal with any more pain. I wonder if dad will be happy that we broke up. He'll probably start lining up eligible men._ Callie knew that her father loved her and wanted her to be happy, but at times like these, her negativity usually got the best of her. He had actually been somewhat supportive of their relationship, even asking about Arizona and telling his daughter to tell her hello almost every time they spoke. She appreciated him 'bending' for her, but knew that the man hoped it was just a phase or something she would grow out of. _Maybe he was right. I can't sustain a relationship with anyone, male or female, so why should I bother? I'm a doctor, I have money. I don't need a partner to have a family. I can put them in daycare or get someone to come to the house while I'm working. At least kids can't cheat on me or break my heart by saying they don't want kids._

Callie had to sit in the car for several minutes in order to calm down enough so that she could safely drive. She was grateful that she lived so close and could practically drive the route blindfolded. The orthopedist knew it wasn't a good idea to be behind the wheel, but she had no desire to talk to anyone else right then.

She was turning onto her street about a mile south of her house, almost able to taste the tequila on her tongue when it happened. An elderly man was coming from the west, going much quicker than was either safe or smart on the rainy roads. His car skidded as he went through a puddle but he was able to correct it just before taking out a bus. Six blocks later, he failed to stop at the red light and his car came to a sudden stop against the passenger side of Callie's. As the airbag deployed, the dark haired woman only had time for one thought before giving in to the blackness that was enfolding her. _Arizona, I love you. I'm sorry._


End file.
